it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
