The maid of honor just puked.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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