you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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