Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
