Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
birth control should be required to get into college
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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