If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
