Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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