My friends, they love my intelligence
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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