Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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