Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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