I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
