I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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