eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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