my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
