I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
