My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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