He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
We smell like vodka and hangover
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