I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
