dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
