You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize