Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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