you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
