Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
