He uses pillows to masturbate.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
