im about as happy as oj after his trial
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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