PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize