like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
