apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize