using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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