imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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