If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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