oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
