Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
