i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
