dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
