I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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