Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
