my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
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