you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
