You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
