I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
