dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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