My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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