I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
