I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
