its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
