respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
