Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
