I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
