your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
