I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
