you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
