why didn't you poke me back
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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