im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
