I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
