her vagina looked like bernie madoff
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
