Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
